i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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