Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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