just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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