I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
