I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
