Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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