so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
