I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
