Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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