Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
