So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
