i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My cat gives me a boner
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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