This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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