whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
