i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize