His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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