I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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