Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
