at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
