i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
