u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
