Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
