No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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