im six kinds of drunk right now
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
