We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
