Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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