The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
3pm strippers are depressing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
