legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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