whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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