Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
