his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize