I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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