just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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