Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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