Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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