She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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