All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
