3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
