He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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