boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
