i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
