How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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