Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
