I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
