well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
