We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
