You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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