Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
