Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
