Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
