A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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