we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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