My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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