My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
