i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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