I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
