he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
