i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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