You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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