Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
