I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
