If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
