great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize